To the Wife of my Son's Father
by Soul Wonders
Summary: When I finished reading 'Man. Woman and Child', I felt a huge blind spot - Nicole Guerin. Just one chapter in the book rather intrigued me towards this character. This is a two chapter letter that Nicole has written to Sheila, with a knowledge that the only way Sheila will have access to this letter is through her son Jean-Claude. This is Nicole's side of the story !
1. Chapter 1

**_Sheila,_**

That you have received this note from the one, who has delivered it to you, is a huge embarrassment to me. Nevertheless, I feel completely obliged to write to you, coz I am completely convinced that I owe you an explanation.

Hi! I am Nicole Guerin. A doctor by profession, I was always the non-conformist in the small countryside of Sete. My father left for his journey abode when I was five and ever since I saw my mother playing both parents to me. I loved her immensely and respected her no less for the courage she demonstrated by turning down proposals of re-marriage from so many men. She took it as her sole purpose of life to bring me up and make sure that all my aspirations were met. Which, I must admit were met, coz I too took it on myself to not let her down. But with the course of time, I grew up to believe that marriage was a virtue not meant for me. Time and again, I would tell her, "_Maman! _If you can remain happy with _Papa_ gone for so many years, why can't I?"

She would frown, "But I had you? How do you intend to spend your life all alone?"

I remember the last conversation I had with her on this. She was hospitalised for her Cancer and knew she wouldn't make it back home. "Nicole! Life is too beautiful to be lived alone. To enjoy your womanhood, you ought to experience it with someone."

My adamant yet (now I realise) naive psychic, responded immediately, "_Maman! _If its sex and babies that you are talking about, lets not discuss it." I snapped and she shook her head before retiring to her compulsive sleep.

Well, the real reason why I never aspired to marry is plain and simple. I never aspired to marry and be a wife to anybody. I loved my job. I loved being in Sete and run my clinic here. I simply loved the independence that came with 'no strings attached'.

It's not that the general laws of attraction didn't work on me. They did. During my education, more often than not I found myself in a romantic fling. But that's what I kept them as. A Fling. I could not bear the thought of being tied down to one person for life and struggle all my life to keep pace with him. I do remember, once during my year of rotations at the wards, I got involved with a senior doctor. He wanted "that" irrevocable commitment from me and promised me the world in return. That night in my room after he had proposed to me, I felt so claustrophobic. The entire night, I kept running to the terrace of my hostel building for want of fresh air. That was the last that I had seen of that doctor. I made sure that I did not look into the eye with him, for rest of the duration that I interned in his ward.

Such several encounters in the following years convinced me further of one plain fact. I was suffering from phobia of commitment. They call it _Gamophobia_ in scientific terms. _(I would often chuckle at the very entomology of the term Game-Phobia. Gamo, they say in Greek means Marriage. I was scared of the game called marriage. *smiling at the hopeless young girl that I was*)_

How much so ever I believed that I was leading a singular life as my mother did, I skipped one vital detail. Hers was a celibate widowhood, with the immaculate sense of pride that she took in being a single mother. On the contrary, I realise only now, that all my past life, I obviated marriage to enjoy all the benefits of _Singledome_ and made up for what I was _missing_ by having _friends with benefits_.

Over the years, I transformed. I started associating physical intimacy with the thrill of getting close to somebody. Close enough to set the person free from his inhibitions and willing to bare it all. Its not that I was a nymph, who was always on the lookout for targets to satiate my carnal desires. But remember? I was a doctor. A young and reasonably beautiful doctor who met several people at work. I had the power to soothe anybody's anxieties and worst fears about anything wrong with them or their dear ones'. Companionship came easily to me. I recall this one instance when a certain _gentleman, _came to my place to discuss the case of his extremely ailing wife. He was so worried and helpless that I walked upto his side of the sofa chair, sat on the sofa arm and caressed him, telling him not to worry. He held my hand so tightly and clutched it so close to his heart that I could feel every iota of his heart thumping. All the tenderness of my feline heart went oozing out for the distressed man that he was at that time. I couldn't help but engulf him into my embrace telling him, all will be well.

He clutched on to me for a good few minutes, when I felt him trying to fondle with me. I regressed immediately. He looked at me wide eyed and then lowered his head, "I havn't touched my wife or anybody for the last two years" he said in a whisper.

"You could get some good sex for a couple of bucks anywhere in this country." I replied in a stern voice, looking away. He apologised and left that night.

I ran into him at a general store, almost four months after his wife's demise. Not that he looked extremely distraught or something, but yes he did seem to me like a lost puppy, who could not remember where his home was. I invited him over for a dinner date at my place that night. By the time he was on his third drink, he confessed, "But I was also attracted to you, that night." I, myself on a fourth, looked into his eyes and uttered, "But I am no object to help you unwind from your wife's grief."

He took my hand in both of his and brushed it across his lips softly. "Today, the only reason would be that you look stunningly beautiful. I wish to be possessed by you."

I passed a tipsy smirk and replied, "Who will possess who is quite debatable though. But I can't be a replacement for your wife."

For a split second, his eyes grew dark as if he was looking at something distant. And then he retorted with a sigh, "That would be quite an insult to the mother of my three children." I laughed with my hand on my mouth.

And we did it. WE JUST DID IT. No strings attached, no baggage carried.

Why I am telling you all this is that I want you to know that I transformed into this super independent women who would time and again encounter nice men looking out for pleasure. I would weigh my odds of getting out of it the next morning with nothing to worry about and then proceed to have some pleasure for my own self. Of course, the contraception part of would be taken care of by the man himself or if there hadn't been enough time to prepare, I would fall back on the pill next morning.

In all my life, I never met a man who resisted me for any reason. I had flings with married men, who were ready to take the risk. In Hind sight, that was easy for them. Coz I was taking full responsibility for myself. Whoever had ever spent any time with me would know that I was never ever even over my dead body going to get back at them for doing what _we_ did. So obviously it was easy for them. *chuckling to myself*

And then I met Robert.


	2. Chapter 2

I met Robert when I was being fondled by a policeman on pretext of a check-up of a suspicious citizen on the roads during a curfew. Thinking it was inappropriate; Robert intervened and got knocked over by the officer. I thought it to be my obligation to provide him first aid and during the course, I just started flirting with him, which was not received very well by Robert. To say the least, I must admit, I was offended. Coz it was for the first time in many years that I was not welcomed for my flirtatious advances. Robert's reserved and 'I need to get outta here as soon as possible' reaction stirred me to the core of my heart.

As destiny would have had it, Robert fell extremely ill at the hotel and tried reaching for medical help at my hospital. (_he chose that hospital because, I had told him that it was the single most reliable medical service available in town during the curfew)._ The physician who should have attended him seemed busy for some reason and Robert was past bearing the pain that he was in. He asked the attendant to look for me. I was bound by my Hippocratic oath to help him and used some influence to get out of turn medical help for him. In a couple of half hours Robert seemed better. Throughout the time that we were together in the hospital, I maintained my flirtatious self (_habits you know!_) and Robert played hard to maintain an air of unresponsiveness. For a man to maintain such an attitude towards a woman even half as good looking as I am was a saintly act by my standards.

It made me restless. That's what I felt. 'How can someone not respond to my polity' I had thought then. I could see that he was affected by my presence and my liberal ways. But the fact that he did not melt in the warmth of the same left me agitated within. I decided to play it on further.

I coaxed him into accepting my offer for a dinner together. In retrospection, I am completely sure that Robert did not wish to accept the offer even one bit. But at the same time, he didn't wish to be rude and unthankful to me for my favours in his time of emergency. Thus he accepted to be my guest.

Throughout the dinner, I was totally hooked to Robert's eyes which kept defying themselves. Tere were moments when he wanted to be more appreciative of me. Nonetheless, I could sense his discomfort and that he wanted to flee immediately. He almost in a way of breaking news declared somewhere mid-way through the dinner that he was married and very happily so. That did not deter me from wanting him and be mine for the night. To make him more comfortable, I coaxed a couple of drink down his throat. Ofcourse, the coaxing was not physical. My desire for him grew outrageous and thus when a close friend of mine _(this is the only person I rekon who might have a clue who the father of my son is) _walked up and started discussing a topic that interested Robert to get him engrossed enough, I made sure that he didn't stop drinking. I wanted him to unwind and look at me desirously. _(What a disgrace? After all the talk of being liberal, I admit that I was extremely desperate to objectify myself and become a thing of his attraction and fantasy.)_

Even after half a dozen drinks down, he was talking about his happy family waiting for him back home. He was still tied to you, enough to refuse my offer to spend the night at my home. I took it as a personal assault to my beauty and desirousness that I had enjoyed all my youth till then. My intent to have him became even more resolute. I was insane to have not understood the aftermaths and planned to coax Robert into a circumstance where 'it' would become inevitable. As it is, at that point of time I was more of the view that he was running from the inevitable and that I was only helping him loosen up a little and have some fun in life. Only if I had realised then, that there was more to Robert's life than some sought of frivolous fun with a stranger.

I led him to the most beautiful place that I have been to in all my life (which includes 20 cities across 5 continents). The beach was completely virgin with no sign of even past indulgence by visitors or tourists. The waters shown pure blue in the moonlit sky and the waves produced a music that could sooth even the most troubled souls.

I undressed and invited Robert to join me for a swim. Robert, I am sure was only half conscious of what he doing and he joined me. We shared some intimate moments in the waters which further convinced me that he needed me and that it would be no sin if he spent a harmlessly pleasurable night with me. In hindsight, I now feel that I was so immersed in my own desire for him that I coaxed him into desiring me, forgetting all logic and rationale.

Next morning Robert found himself curled up on me in my apartment. Looking at the shock and hurt in his eyes suddenly shook me into reality. All this while, I was convinced that it would do no harm for him to seek some pleasure in this distant village with a willing companion. Afterall I was a no baggage companion. What more could a man ask for? But the remorse in his eyes and his reticence for the rest of the time that we were together (which was only a couple of minutes) still hounds me.

He left in a jiffy. While he opened the door to the cab, he just turned back and shook his head lightly with his guilt filled eyes stuck on me. I was rendered speechless. I had never slept with a man who had not desired me. I suddenly realised I had violated my own rules by enticing this religious family man into an undesired affair with me. When I think of it, I still can't forgive myself for what I did that night.

And as luck would have had it. The contraceptive pills which I consumed the morning after did not work. It was like the universe had conspired to punish me with all the might for this one act of dishonouring my rulebook. My world came crashing down. I had always thought that I would decided if and whenever I would want to have children. But that was a hypothetical thought. This pregnancy thrust upon me due to a faulty medicinal action, was a stark reality in my face.

I decided to get rid of the child immediately. But then, my _Maman's_ words came rushing to me. "Nicole! You were the straw I held onto every time I was scared of facing life all alone." I thought probably amidst the fallacies of my existence, my straw had decided to descend on me.

Sheila, I kept my promise to myself to never ever get back to Robert for something which I was convinced that, I was solely responsible. I had conceived the child and I would rear him throughout my life all alone. I have always been determined to raise Jean-Claude with the awareness of the fact that his father is married to another lady with kids. By God's grace he has grown up with no qualms about being brought up by an unmarried, single and independent mother.

But again, what you plan is not what you reap. I kept this letter written and preserved with my lawyer. To be produced in the incident of my death and handed over to my son with a note that if ever he were to meet a certain Mrs. Sheila Beckwith, he shall hand it over to you at the end of your meeting. I left an explanation note that she is a distant friend who I had met at some point of time in life and owe certain explanations on account of certain incidents of my life.

I have no idea how successfully I have been able to explain to you the rationale of my deeds. And it would be futile of me to even seek any kind of forgiveness for turning your life upside down. I do not know how old Jean is at this point of time, because I have in no way orchestrated his stumbling upon you so that he could pass this letter to you. And I have no way of knowing if he is big enough to use various academic data sources (_these days there's this thing called worldwide web also)_ to look for you and figure that you are quite popular in the academic circles in Cambridge.

I have only one request from you. Please do not hate Jean-Claude. He is not at fault. It is none of his faults. I don't even know what I expect from you after you'd have read this letter. But my reasons for writing this to you are plain and simple. I have carried this burden all my life – that if ever Robert's wife was to find out about Jean-Claude, what turn would your marriage take. I am convinced that Robert will never be able to reproduce the account of circumstances which led to what it led to (_because as you have figured he was manipulated beyond his control and senses)_. And it'd be unfair to keep you in dark and let you blame Robert solely. I have always owned up to what is mine and now too, I am intent upon doing the same. I owe up to my mistake and admit it to the one, who has been worst affected by it.

That's it. Hope you have a good life ahead.

**_Nicole Guerin_**


End file.
